I must preface this post with a disclaimer. I do not want either your sympathy or your criticism for what follows. I'm just thinking out loud on the Internet. Dangerous, I know. That danger, though, is mitigated by the fact that there are very few people who pay any attention to what I say. Just a warning, if you are paying attention to this, and you feel like you should comment, just be nice, and understand that at this point, neither criticism nor sympathy will help. If you have a funny story to tell, that would be fab.
So, I'm heading to a milestone birthday in a woman's life.
Okay, so I just wrote this post, and I liked it. It was honest and I thought it was interesting, and when I went to post it, it disappeared. And I'm going to take it as a sign from the universe that it shouldn't be shared. So, you'll just have to wonder what it was about, because my lips are sealed. I love the title though, so I'm going to post it anyway.
Cheers, blogosphere. I'm out.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Random Observations: the sequel
And, here we go again.
-I had a dream the other night. Gus was in the dream, and he was not behaving particularly well. He was jumping up and trying to chew on my hands, just your typical, everyday, Gus-like behavior. But there was this other dog. Fairly large, and very blond. Like a straw colored golden retriever with crimped fur. Beautifully behaved dog. Understood the whole "heel" concept, didn't bark, nip or jump. Incredibly easy. What was abundantly clear to me in this dream was that this well behaved dog was absolutely not mine.
And what was the dog's name, you ask?
Life. The dog's name was Life. Lord help me.
-I made hummus from scatch the other day. If you have never done this, and you have a blender or a food processor, please get some chickpeas, some lemon and garlic, some tahini and some olive oil and make some soon. It is so good, and nothing like the premade stuff in the store. It's worth the effort. And God bless my old Logan buddy Sam for teaching me how to make it many years ago.
-Tiger Woods totally ruined Stevie Wonder for me. Blast you, you cheating...I can't think of a word that I can actually write that also expresses what a...see, I have no words for men like this. Famous or not. And the last thing I need in my life right now is another reason to believe that men will inevitably break my heart in any non-platonic situation. Shame on him. And shame on all the rest of them that seem both so insistent and so adept at giving men a bad name.
-What makes people think it's okay to move the furniture in a public place? I have a great job. Don't misunderstand me. But some of our patrons drive me batty. Like the guy who drags one of our chairs out of the window nook into the corner EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm sure he doesn't even think twice about it. But we didn't put chairs in those corners for no reason. We very carefully measure the distance between rows and walls. We put furniture where it doesn't impede the flow of traffic, including for those in wheelchairs. Everyday, when he moves the chair and leaves it in the corner, what he never, never considers is the fact that because of his arrogance in moving furniture (THAT IS NOT HIS)and leaving it (instead of at least returning it to its place), if someone in a wheelchair comes in, they are screwed. But I think about that. And I think about moms with strollers trying to maneuver through that obstacle. I think about it, because I see them have to struggle. I see them have to ask for or accept help because of someone's daily thoughtlessness. So every morning I move that chair back to where it belongs. And I get more and more tired of feeling like some folks are being carried, and some folks are doing the carrying. And that's not a very Christlike attitude, I know.
I have a friend who says that Celestial people always put their shopping carts in the right place. I'm starting to believe her. And they don't do it because it's the rule or the law. They do it because they love other people, even people they don't know, and don't want to do anything that could hurt other people. They think about their actions, and the ramifications of those actions for someone other than themselves. I'm clearly not there yet (it would be a huge blow to my self-confidence if I was perfect and still HERE...), but I want to be, and I'm trying. And to everyone out there who carries my thoughtlessness, thank you. I'll learn.
-I wish I could keep an octopus as a pet, even though it would surely be much more trouble than Gus. They are just so cool. And really, really smart.
-Did you hear about the guy who left the super-secret prototype of the new iPhone in a bar? Bwahahahahahaha! Two words for you, dude: shirley temple. Or: bottled water. Or, just: Don't drink.
-I've given up Glee and Project Runway. I was watching PR a couple of weeks ago, and as one of the designers was discussing another designer, I just realized that these are not nice people. That's not entirely true. The guy that won this year, I actually thought he was pretty classy through most of it. But most of them are really mean to each other. I don't know if it's the producers that provoke the kind of catty meanness that pervades that show, or if the designers are just really that petty, but I realized that as entertaining as the process and the products are, I just can't rationalize watching people be awful to each other. So no more PR for me.
With Glee, my little niece taught me a huge lesson. She watched part of an episode, and she wanted to watch the rest of it. But I realized that as fun and cute as part of it is, there would be things that she would have questions about--things that she shouldn't be thinking about at seven years old. I'm not one of those people who think everything an adult watches should be appropriate for a kid, too. That's just not realistic most of the time. But I started to realize that the attitudes and ideologies that I didn't want little Susanna to absorb are attitudes and ideologies that I'm not okay with absorbing either.
I've been thinking a lot lately about where I cast my eyes. Where do I look? Because where I put my eyes is where my desires will be. My desires will shape my values, and eventually my actions. As entertaining as both PR and Glee are, I don't really want to cast my eyes on Ryan Murphy or the Weinsteins anymore. I don't want them shaping my desires, my values or my actions at all. I'm ready to sacrifice those things to cast my eyes on something better.
I really wish, though, that Project Runway could cut all the meanness and pettiness out. I think it could still be both fascinating and funny, and I love watching them work and seeing what they come up with. Oh well. We all know that's not going to happen.
That's it. I haven't been thinking about anything funny lately. Joel needs to finish law school and go back to blogging. I miss the greatest blog in the universe. Oh, and I just gotta say, it has been the most beautiful week of the year. The teacup magnolias were gorgeous, and the cherry blossoms. Oh, the cherry blossoms! And I love little green buds on trees. Don't you think we could use extended spring? I could totally give up about six weeks of winter for more of this beauty. Now, if I can just get the garden ready to plant in two weeks, all will be well with the world.
-I had a dream the other night. Gus was in the dream, and he was not behaving particularly well. He was jumping up and trying to chew on my hands, just your typical, everyday, Gus-like behavior. But there was this other dog. Fairly large, and very blond. Like a straw colored golden retriever with crimped fur. Beautifully behaved dog. Understood the whole "heel" concept, didn't bark, nip or jump. Incredibly easy. What was abundantly clear to me in this dream was that this well behaved dog was absolutely not mine.
And what was the dog's name, you ask?
Life. The dog's name was Life. Lord help me.
-I made hummus from scatch the other day. If you have never done this, and you have a blender or a food processor, please get some chickpeas, some lemon and garlic, some tahini and some olive oil and make some soon. It is so good, and nothing like the premade stuff in the store. It's worth the effort. And God bless my old Logan buddy Sam for teaching me how to make it many years ago.
-Tiger Woods totally ruined Stevie Wonder for me. Blast you, you cheating...I can't think of a word that I can actually write that also expresses what a...see, I have no words for men like this. Famous or not. And the last thing I need in my life right now is another reason to believe that men will inevitably break my heart in any non-platonic situation. Shame on him. And shame on all the rest of them that seem both so insistent and so adept at giving men a bad name.
-What makes people think it's okay to move the furniture in a public place? I have a great job. Don't misunderstand me. But some of our patrons drive me batty. Like the guy who drags one of our chairs out of the window nook into the corner EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm sure he doesn't even think twice about it. But we didn't put chairs in those corners for no reason. We very carefully measure the distance between rows and walls. We put furniture where it doesn't impede the flow of traffic, including for those in wheelchairs. Everyday, when he moves the chair and leaves it in the corner, what he never, never considers is the fact that because of his arrogance in moving furniture (THAT IS NOT HIS)and leaving it (instead of at least returning it to its place), if someone in a wheelchair comes in, they are screwed. But I think about that. And I think about moms with strollers trying to maneuver through that obstacle. I think about it, because I see them have to struggle. I see them have to ask for or accept help because of someone's daily thoughtlessness. So every morning I move that chair back to where it belongs. And I get more and more tired of feeling like some folks are being carried, and some folks are doing the carrying. And that's not a very Christlike attitude, I know.
I have a friend who says that Celestial people always put their shopping carts in the right place. I'm starting to believe her. And they don't do it because it's the rule or the law. They do it because they love other people, even people they don't know, and don't want to do anything that could hurt other people. They think about their actions, and the ramifications of those actions for someone other than themselves. I'm clearly not there yet (it would be a huge blow to my self-confidence if I was perfect and still HERE...), but I want to be, and I'm trying. And to everyone out there who carries my thoughtlessness, thank you. I'll learn.
-I wish I could keep an octopus as a pet, even though it would surely be much more trouble than Gus. They are just so cool. And really, really smart.
-Did you hear about the guy who left the super-secret prototype of the new iPhone in a bar? Bwahahahahahaha! Two words for you, dude: shirley temple. Or: bottled water. Or, just: Don't drink.
-I've given up Glee and Project Runway. I was watching PR a couple of weeks ago, and as one of the designers was discussing another designer, I just realized that these are not nice people. That's not entirely true. The guy that won this year, I actually thought he was pretty classy through most of it. But most of them are really mean to each other. I don't know if it's the producers that provoke the kind of catty meanness that pervades that show, or if the designers are just really that petty, but I realized that as entertaining as the process and the products are, I just can't rationalize watching people be awful to each other. So no more PR for me.
With Glee, my little niece taught me a huge lesson. She watched part of an episode, and she wanted to watch the rest of it. But I realized that as fun and cute as part of it is, there would be things that she would have questions about--things that she shouldn't be thinking about at seven years old. I'm not one of those people who think everything an adult watches should be appropriate for a kid, too. That's just not realistic most of the time. But I started to realize that the attitudes and ideologies that I didn't want little Susanna to absorb are attitudes and ideologies that I'm not okay with absorbing either.
I've been thinking a lot lately about where I cast my eyes. Where do I look? Because where I put my eyes is where my desires will be. My desires will shape my values, and eventually my actions. As entertaining as both PR and Glee are, I don't really want to cast my eyes on Ryan Murphy or the Weinsteins anymore. I don't want them shaping my desires, my values or my actions at all. I'm ready to sacrifice those things to cast my eyes on something better.
I really wish, though, that Project Runway could cut all the meanness and pettiness out. I think it could still be both fascinating and funny, and I love watching them work and seeing what they come up with. Oh well. We all know that's not going to happen.
That's it. I haven't been thinking about anything funny lately. Joel needs to finish law school and go back to blogging. I miss the greatest blog in the universe. Oh, and I just gotta say, it has been the most beautiful week of the year. The teacup magnolias were gorgeous, and the cherry blossoms. Oh, the cherry blossoms! And I love little green buds on trees. Don't you think we could use extended spring? I could totally give up about six weeks of winter for more of this beauty. Now, if I can just get the garden ready to plant in two weeks, all will be well with the world.
Find the Pony, Clarky
Long ago and far away, I was a missionary who was struggling. It felt really, really rough; though I was trying my best, nothing seemed to work, and I was not happy. My dear sister wrote me a letter, and reminded me of a story my dad likes to tell sometimes. It stuck with me, and inspired a phrase that has become a mantra of sorts. It's been running through my head tonight, so I thought I'd share it here on my blog. There is some mild cursing, but I can't imagine that anyone pays all that much attention to what I think anyway, so I'm not going to be too worried about it. Let's just put it this way: if earthy terms for poop offend you, now would be a good time to click on that next blog tab.
Okay, here's the story.
Once upon a time there were two little boys, Bob and George. They were identical twins, alike in almost every way, but in one way they were very different. Bob and George were recruited for a study on twins, so their mom took them to the university where two rooms with one-way mirrors had been prepared.
First, they put Bob in his room and observed his reactions. Bob's room was a kid's dream. It was huge, and stocked with just about everything a boy could possibly want--movies, video games, a trampoline, a basketball hoop, a bike ramp, a fully stocked kitchenette with soda and snacks and a freezer full of ice cream. It was a wonderland! The researchers watched carefully as Bob entered the room. He looked at the DVDs and video games for a minute, walked over and took a few half-hearted jumps on the trampoline, went to the kitchen and had a couple of spoonfuls of ice cream, then sat down on the couch with a sour look on his face. After about ten minutes, the researchers asked Bob what was wrong.
"I've seen all these movies. The games in here are boring and there's nobody to play with. I'm tired and I don't want to jump or ride bikes. And that ice cream hurts my teeth. Can I go home now?"
So the researchers sent Bob back to his mom and turned their attention to George. George's room was a little different. It was tiny, no bigger than 10x10, and piled nearly to the ceiling with horse shit. They watched George as he entered the room. He furrowed his little brow in confusion, walked around the pile, looking carefully at it, plugging his nose. And then the strangest thing happened. Slowly a huge grin spread across George's face. He began to laugh and dig in the pile, flinging it joyfully across the room. After a few minutes of this strange behavior, the researchers had to find out what George was thinking, so they asked him why he was so happy. Why was he enjoying himself so much in these circumstances?
"Well," George replied, "With this much shit, I figure there has to be a pony in here somewhere."
The moral of the story? When life piles on truckloads of shit, put a smile on your face, laugh alot, and find the pony.
Okay, here's the story.
Once upon a time there were two little boys, Bob and George. They were identical twins, alike in almost every way, but in one way they were very different. Bob and George were recruited for a study on twins, so their mom took them to the university where two rooms with one-way mirrors had been prepared.
First, they put Bob in his room and observed his reactions. Bob's room was a kid's dream. It was huge, and stocked with just about everything a boy could possibly want--movies, video games, a trampoline, a basketball hoop, a bike ramp, a fully stocked kitchenette with soda and snacks and a freezer full of ice cream. It was a wonderland! The researchers watched carefully as Bob entered the room. He looked at the DVDs and video games for a minute, walked over and took a few half-hearted jumps on the trampoline, went to the kitchen and had a couple of spoonfuls of ice cream, then sat down on the couch with a sour look on his face. After about ten minutes, the researchers asked Bob what was wrong.
"I've seen all these movies. The games in here are boring and there's nobody to play with. I'm tired and I don't want to jump or ride bikes. And that ice cream hurts my teeth. Can I go home now?"
So the researchers sent Bob back to his mom and turned their attention to George. George's room was a little different. It was tiny, no bigger than 10x10, and piled nearly to the ceiling with horse shit. They watched George as he entered the room. He furrowed his little brow in confusion, walked around the pile, looking carefully at it, plugging his nose. And then the strangest thing happened. Slowly a huge grin spread across George's face. He began to laugh and dig in the pile, flinging it joyfully across the room. After a few minutes of this strange behavior, the researchers had to find out what George was thinking, so they asked him why he was so happy. Why was he enjoying himself so much in these circumstances?
"Well," George replied, "With this much shit, I figure there has to be a pony in here somewhere."
The moral of the story? When life piles on truckloads of shit, put a smile on your face, laugh alot, and find the pony.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The Teacher
I was thinking the other day about my short-lived teaching career. This was the most frustrating thing about teaching for me: the kids I could help the most were always the one who wouldn't trust me enough to let me do it. Over and over again I tried to make them see that I could do anything I wanted in the classroom, and that all I wanted to do was to help them learn. If they failed over and over and over again, but kept trying, kept working, kept giving their best effort, none of the failures would matter. As long as they tried and worked and trusted me, I had the power to let them retake tests, improve projects, change grades. I wasn't willing to lie for them, to tell them and everyone else that they had mastered something they weren't really getting yet, but I was willing to hang in there with them until they got it. I was willing to figure out new assignments, new approaches to the task at hand. I was willing to give them more time, more instruction, more opportunities to get it right. I stayed awake at night trying to figure out how to help them because I wanted so badly for them to succeed. Some of them just didn't care, some were convinced they'd never get it. They didn't want to learn, they didn't want to try. And they felt terrible about themselves when they fell short.
I think I'm like my students on a grander scale, and Christ is like the teacher. All he wants is for us to learn, to hang in there with him, giving our best effort, trying everything he asks us to try. I've failed; in fact, I fail quite often, sometimes repeatedly at the same task (i.e. trying to be genuinely kind when I'd rather be left alone, not crumbling into a blubbering, tearful mess every time life doesn't go just as I'd like it to, facing whatever scares me this week, taking care of my body, staying focused in my study of the gospel...the list could go on forever). Every time I repent, there's a part of me that fears that this will be the last straw with Him. That this time, when I get on my knees and ask him to let me try again, it won't work. That He'll reject me. But He never does. Every single time, without exception, the answer I get is "try again. I still love you. I'm with you. Try again."
He paid the price for us to learn. He qualified himself to be our teacher, which means his power is infinite and eternal. He can arrange for makeup tests, for do-overs, for extensions on the due date. He just wants us to trust him enough to try. If we will do that, if we will work, give our best effort while we are here in his "class," he can teach us to be like him. That's what I want.
I think I'm like my students on a grander scale, and Christ is like the teacher. All he wants is for us to learn, to hang in there with him, giving our best effort, trying everything he asks us to try. I've failed; in fact, I fail quite often, sometimes repeatedly at the same task (i.e. trying to be genuinely kind when I'd rather be left alone, not crumbling into a blubbering, tearful mess every time life doesn't go just as I'd like it to, facing whatever scares me this week, taking care of my body, staying focused in my study of the gospel...the list could go on forever). Every time I repent, there's a part of me that fears that this will be the last straw with Him. That this time, when I get on my knees and ask him to let me try again, it won't work. That He'll reject me. But He never does. Every single time, without exception, the answer I get is "try again. I still love you. I'm with you. Try again."
He paid the price for us to learn. He qualified himself to be our teacher, which means his power is infinite and eternal. He can arrange for makeup tests, for do-overs, for extensions on the due date. He just wants us to trust him enough to try. If we will do that, if we will work, give our best effort while we are here in his "class," he can teach us to be like him. That's what I want.
Friday, March 12, 2010
My pack
This is Gus.
Gus is going to be my dog. I'm happy about this, and I know it's a good thing. We'll be a cozy little pack of two. I'm also scared.
I have to be the pack leader. The alpha dog. Because dogs can really only be as good as their keeper.
Also, I have to keep him healthy, strong, mentally stable and emotionally secure. I have to make sure his eyeballs stay inside his head. I had a nightmare about his eyeball popping out. This can happen with pugs.
Eeeeek.
He's so cute. He's going to chew on all my stuff.
What have I gotten myself into...
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Be still
I had an interesting experience while I was hiking one afternoon this fall, one that I've been thinking about and trying to figure out since. The central idea of this experience was a phrase that shows up in the scriptures--"Be still and know that I am God." It came clearly and powerfully to me that afternoon, like a gentle command. If you want to know more deeply that I am God, be still, He seemed to say to me. The action is be still.
My first reaction was honest frustration, I think because I did not yet understand what He was asking me to do. Be still seemed to me to be an impossible request--to stop being busy, to somehow find time to slow down and stop being chaotic long enough to feel something spiritual. I think that's a great idea, but I can't quit my job. I'm not eating right because I don't get to the grocery store on a regular basis. I'm lucky if I get 5 or 6 hours of sleep most nights. What do I cut out of my life in order to "be still?" Temple attendance? Visiting teaching? Clearly there was something I didn't understand, so I started searching.
I followed the footnotes in D&C 101:16 where that phrase occurs. It led me to one of the most iconic stories of the Old Testament, and a new understanding of that command to be still. In Exodus 14, Moses has led the children of Israel out of Egypt, but the Lord commands him to encamp in the wilderness by the Red Sea. His plan is to draw the pharoah and his troops out thinking that Moses has made a tactical mistake and led his people into a dead end. It works. The pharoah pursues them, and the Israelites in their spiritual immaturity begin to fear and murmur. In verses 11 and 12, they say to Moses "Because there were no graves in Egypt thou hast taken us away to die in the wilderness? wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? Is this not the word that we did tell thee in Egypt, saying, Let us alone, that we may serve the Egyptians? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness."
Moses, ever the patient prophet, responds with a command that echoes D&C 101. He says "Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord...the Lord shall fight for you and ye shall hold your peace." The Egyptians are bearing down on them, they are encircled by wilderness, at the banks of the Red Sea, with no hope for escape. And the command is to be still--hold your ground, banish your fear, and trust your God to fight your battle for you.
I'm much like the children of Israel. I feel like I'm wandering in the wilderness right now--like I've hit a dead end with no avenue for escape. I am afraid. My trials are probably pretty small, but I fight not to be overwhelmed by my fear of them every day. I am guilty of asking the Lord, probably more than once, why on earth he would lead me to this point--why, when I've sought His will and done my best to submit to it, I would end up here. Fear not, He says, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord. Be still, Marilee, and know that I am God.
It's not about the busy-ness and the chaos of adult life. There's always going to be more to do than I can get done. It's about standing my ground; it's about trusting Him enough to seek Him and follow Him, even when I'm scared spitless, pharoah's troops are bearing down on me, and the Red Sea seems to be blocking my way. Fear not. Be still, stand still and know that He can and will deliver me.
When the pharoah was about to overtake them, the Lord commanded Moses to stretch his rod over the sea. He did, and the Lord sent an east wind that divided the sea and the Israelites walked on dry ground between walls of water to escape the Egyptians. When they were safe, the water receded and pharoah's chariots were washed away. The Lord had brought the children of Israel there to save them, not to scare them. He wanted, needed really, the Egyptians to see and know the salvation of the Lord. He wanted those who had repeatedly denied His commands to see the power that is available to those who trust Him and are obedient.
I'm trying to stand my ground. I'm trying to trust Him enough to stand still in the hope that as I do, somehow my own little "Red Sea" will recede and dry land will appear. I can't say the fear is gone, but I can be still, even in the face of that fear, and I know that He is God.
My first reaction was honest frustration, I think because I did not yet understand what He was asking me to do. Be still seemed to me to be an impossible request--to stop being busy, to somehow find time to slow down and stop being chaotic long enough to feel something spiritual. I think that's a great idea, but I can't quit my job. I'm not eating right because I don't get to the grocery store on a regular basis. I'm lucky if I get 5 or 6 hours of sleep most nights. What do I cut out of my life in order to "be still?" Temple attendance? Visiting teaching? Clearly there was something I didn't understand, so I started searching.
I followed the footnotes in D&C 101:16 where that phrase occurs. It led me to one of the most iconic stories of the Old Testament, and a new understanding of that command to be still. In Exodus 14, Moses has led the children of Israel out of Egypt, but the Lord commands him to encamp in the wilderness by the Red Sea. His plan is to draw the pharoah and his troops out thinking that Moses has made a tactical mistake and led his people into a dead end. It works. The pharoah pursues them, and the Israelites in their spiritual immaturity begin to fear and murmur. In verses 11 and 12, they say to Moses "Because there were no graves in Egypt thou hast taken us away to die in the wilderness? wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? Is this not the word that we did tell thee in Egypt, saying, Let us alone, that we may serve the Egyptians? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness."
Moses, ever the patient prophet, responds with a command that echoes D&C 101. He says "Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord...the Lord shall fight for you and ye shall hold your peace." The Egyptians are bearing down on them, they are encircled by wilderness, at the banks of the Red Sea, with no hope for escape. And the command is to be still--hold your ground, banish your fear, and trust your God to fight your battle for you.
I'm much like the children of Israel. I feel like I'm wandering in the wilderness right now--like I've hit a dead end with no avenue for escape. I am afraid. My trials are probably pretty small, but I fight not to be overwhelmed by my fear of them every day. I am guilty of asking the Lord, probably more than once, why on earth he would lead me to this point--why, when I've sought His will and done my best to submit to it, I would end up here. Fear not, He says, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord. Be still, Marilee, and know that I am God.
It's not about the busy-ness and the chaos of adult life. There's always going to be more to do than I can get done. It's about standing my ground; it's about trusting Him enough to seek Him and follow Him, even when I'm scared spitless, pharoah's troops are bearing down on me, and the Red Sea seems to be blocking my way. Fear not. Be still, stand still and know that He can and will deliver me.
When the pharoah was about to overtake them, the Lord commanded Moses to stretch his rod over the sea. He did, and the Lord sent an east wind that divided the sea and the Israelites walked on dry ground between walls of water to escape the Egyptians. When they were safe, the water receded and pharoah's chariots were washed away. The Lord had brought the children of Israel there to save them, not to scare them. He wanted, needed really, the Egyptians to see and know the salvation of the Lord. He wanted those who had repeatedly denied His commands to see the power that is available to those who trust Him and are obedient.
I'm trying to stand my ground. I'm trying to trust Him enough to stand still in the hope that as I do, somehow my own little "Red Sea" will recede and dry land will appear. I can't say the fear is gone, but I can be still, even in the face of that fear, and I know that He is God.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Me and my body, we don't get along so well.
My body is like a passive/aggressive two-year-old, and my brain is like a really bad parent. We are locked in this power struggle, neither willing to back down, making absolutely no progress. It won't do what I want it to do, and it rankles me to no end.
I tell it to eat kale and tofu; it reaches for refined sugar and full fat dairy products.
I want to sleep; my body says, "no, HOWL!!!"
I want to wake up before the sun, my flesh rolls over and says "Go away. Leave me alone."
I get up anyway and it glares at me and makes me pay for the next 18 hours.
I tell it to run and keep running until I say stop. It says "Fine. And tomorrow morning you will wake up and feel like a 92 year-old in need of a hip replacement. Your call."
And I make it run, and it delivers on its promise.
It's like a really bad game of chicken. My brain and my body are speeding at each other down a narrow dirt road, and neither is going to swerve...
I tell it to eat kale and tofu; it reaches for refined sugar and full fat dairy products.
I want to sleep; my body says, "no, HOWL!!!"
I want to wake up before the sun, my flesh rolls over and says "Go away. Leave me alone."
I get up anyway and it glares at me and makes me pay for the next 18 hours.
I tell it to run and keep running until I say stop. It says "Fine. And tomorrow morning you will wake up and feel like a 92 year-old in need of a hip replacement. Your call."
And I make it run, and it delivers on its promise.
It's like a really bad game of chicken. My brain and my body are speeding at each other down a narrow dirt road, and neither is going to swerve...
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