What not to say when you're playing cupid

So, after years of reading friend's blogs, almost all of whom are young mommies raising adorable little ones, I've decided to jump in and join the ranks of voluntarily exposed folks and publish my musings for the world to see. Does anyone else find this odd? Maybe it's a basic human need aided by modern technology--that desire to be known. I am at odds with that desire. Being known by those who are loving and kind is comforting. Being known by those who are apathetic or cruel just makes you vulnerable. Luckily, I've been blessed to come across more of the former than the latter, so I don't mind a few of the apathetic or cruel kinds.

Being known by people who love you is a wonderful thing, but like all human relationships, it's plagued by absurdity. Particularly absurd is the process of finding a mate, and it can be highly entertaining when people try to help. I'm single, LDS, and over thirty, and I do want to fall in love, get hitched, and have babies. My family and friends know this about me. And they want to help. Recently, I've had a flurry of offers to set me up with various single men my family and friends know. It's sweet and kind, and also most often unsuccessful. Which, don't get me wrong, is okay. My attitude towards set ups right now is basically two-fold. First, you never know. Just because all the set ups so far have been a little off, you never know when someone's gonna hit the jackpot and find you a gem of a man. It's sort of like playing the slots. No reason not to drop a quarter in as long as you're passing through the casino. Second, I'm so dang bored sometimes, so even an unsuccessful set up is appreciated as a distraction from my routine, and it provides fodder for blog posts.

However, I've discovered that there are good ways and bad ways of going about setting people up. Actually, there's only one good way, and it goes something like this. You think about the two people you want to set up, fully realizing that they are imperfect humans. You consider whether it's possible that they might enjoy each other's company anyway. If you come to the conclusion that they might enjoy spending time together, approach one of them, and have a very simple conversation. I would suggest something like this-

YOU: I know this great guy that I think you might like. Can I give him your (phone number/email address/whatever)?

At this point, it's wise to stop talking. Perhaps I'll want to know a little more about him, in which case I'll ask you. Or maybe I won't want to know more, and I'll say yes or no and that's it. Either way, now is a good time to let the person you are trying to set up take the lead.

Most folks who have tried to set me up, though, don't stop talking at this point. I understand why. They care about you, and they don't want you to be upset with them if you do end up going out and are disappointed. So they hedge their bets. This seems, in the heat of the set up approach, to be a wise idea. Lower expectations, less disappointment if you haven't hit it out of the park, right? WRONG! Trust me, anyone who's been single as long as I have already has low expectations. Don't need any help with that. In fact, your little insurance policy has a unintended effect on the person you are trying to help, one I'm sure you don't realize or you wouldn't ever do it.

Let me explain. That hedging of your bets usually plays out like this. Instead of a simple conversation, you might find yourself saying something like...

I know this guy I want you to go out with. He's an orthodontist. But he's kind of nerdy. Do you mind nerdy?

or

He has red hair, but he keeps it short. (Why would I have a problem with red hair?)

or

I haven't actually met him, but I work with his brother, and he has this single brother, and you're single, so it might work.

or, my own personal favorite

I'm pretty sure he's taller than you. (I like tall men, it's true. But that doesn't mean I don't like men who aren't tall. They just don't usually like me.)

Here's where it gets messy. While you're giving me every reason why I might not end up being charmed by this man, I can't help but think about what you are saying about me to the guy. I can hear you having the other edge of this conversational sword, and to me it sounds something like this..

She's smart, she owns her own house, and she's funny. But she's built sort of like a linebacker. You don't mind athletic types, do you?

or

She's cute, but she's talks a lot and she's way too opinionated.

or

She's got curly hair. Not like Medusa or anything, but it can get a little crazy.

or, my favorite again

I'm pretty sure she weighs less than you.

This is what inevitably runs through my head. And, I know on at least one set up, it must have sort of gone that way. One dear family member gave my email address to someone not too long ago, and I got a message shortly after. The gentleman introduced himself, and asked me to do the same in reply, since he had not been told much about me. In fact, the only thing he remembered was that I am 5'11" and tend to intimidate smaller men! Yep, that's how every girl wants to be introduced to potential dates. Honestly, Marden, you've known me for ten years, and that's the best you can do? Dude, you're supposed to be on my team!

Okay, it's time to hedge my bets. If you know me, and recognize yourself in one of the preceding scenarios, please understand that I love you for liking me enough to want to introduce me to other unlucky in love singles, and I am far more charmed than annoyed by your compassionate desire to hook me up. So keep 'em coming. I'll take any contenders. Even if they're nerdy. Or have red hair.