I'm the world's worst blogger. I'm sure of it. I never blog. Oh well.
So, part of the reason I never blog is because I rarely have all that much time to actually sit down and eat a meal or sleep a good 7 or 8 hours. When did life get this crazy, and how do you all do it with families and kids to take care of and all the other divine complications? This week, this whole summer, really, I've felt like it just never stops--work, church, family. My life has become an endless round of things I need to get done, responsibilities to take care of, bills to pay, programs to host, phone calls to make, fliers to deliver...and on and on and on. I don't remember how to spell fun (phun?), let alone how to have it. It's been a bit discouraging, and I've been feeling it around the edges of my brain for a long time, but this week two seemingly meaningless moments brought it into focus.
The first was last Friday, sitting at Movies 8 with my darling little niece Mary. Once a month I have a day with one of my nieces. I take whichever girl has her turn that month, and we go to the movies, or go swimming, or to the park or whatever they want to do, eat junk food, and hang out just the two of us. Then we take ice cream cones home for everyone, and I'm sure Gina hates me for hyping them up on sugar and then giving them back, but oh well, that's my job. Anyway, Mary wanted to see Wall-e, but it wasn't playing anywhere, so we had to settle for Kung-Fu Panda. There I am with this delightful creature in my lap, who is dripping rootbeer from a cup almost bigger than her, and oohing, and aahing, and oh-no-ing at all the scary parts, and I love how she loves it, how it is just pure fun and escape for her. And I started wondering when I stopped feeling that. And then I started wondering how I get back to feeling that. I realized that since about January, I've been to the movies maybe four times, twice to see Kung-Fu Panda. I like Jack Black, but not that much. I've been hiking once this summer, and camping not at all. And I fear my life will keep me from going to a single football game this fall. Not great tragedies, I know, but how do you balance living with what makes you feel alive?
The second moment sort of symbolizes why I can't remember how to have fun, I think. I was at the Smith's on Monday night at about 10:30 (I can't decide if grocery stores being open all the time is a blessing or a curse) buying food for RS Enrichment meeting this week. I was feeling entirely overwhelmed staring down an endless and awful schedule of sleeplessness and craziness this week. It felt like standing at the foot of Everest without a sherpa. I handed my keys over to the checker to scan my fresh values card, who chirped as he handed them back "Wow, you've got a ton of keys. I have, like, three." I encouraged him to cherish these days of three keys, that someday he might really miss the weightlessness of it. And I started to wonder if any of those keys on my ring, or the worries attached to them, could somehow be retired.
I don't know what this means. There is a part of me that scolds myself for being selfish, for wanting to feel entirely weightless, hopeful and alive again. There's part of me that says if I were more devoted, more compassionate, less selfish and egocentric, I wouldn't have this problem. I would have joy in spite of all this. There's another part of me that just wants someone to go hiking and camping and footballing with, or someone to go with me to see Tony Lucca and Ray Lamontagne. Everything, even the chaos, is more fun when there's some kindred soul to do it with, and my kindred souls are all sort of far right now in one way or another. And part of me thinks if I could just fall asleep and stay asleep on a consistent basis, everything would look rosier. I don't know, but I'm holding on, praying my guts out that Lori is right--that it will get better.
I wouldn't be surprised if I'm not the only one. We're all feeling a little uncertain and anxious, I think. Most of you just seem to be handling far better than I. But if you do feel discouraged and miss having fun, God bless you. I still believe in the deepest part of my soul that He wants us to be happy, wants me to be happy. And He'll take our hands if we let Him lead.
3 comments:
You should ask your brother about all of his keys! I am not joking, the man has at least 30 keys and I would bet he doesn't know what at least 15 of them are for! Ridiculous!!!
Keep on keepin on! A good post, but kind of depressing and sad. Let's go have some fun!
The sleepless nights...ah yes how they make the whole day so insufferably long and overwhelming. I'll think of you next time I am up waiting to fall asleep at 3:00am (unfortunately that will probably be sometime in the next couple of days). Of course that will be 2am your time. I love you Miss Marilee. I so miss closing down the ol' GRef with you on Wed. nights. You make for the most delightful and insightful conversation. Don't let the man get you down! You're too great for that. Just keep on running or rowing down the stream -whatever it is that you can handle for the day.
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