Random Observations--The Deluxe Edition!

Here we go again...

1- Romance novels suck when they are serious. I'm not kidding. I can't take it. I know, I know, I'm supposed to swoon when the lovers finally find themselves in each other's arms, but I'm just not the swooning type. I'm the laughing type, and I want a major helping of giggles, intentional or otherwise, along with the lurve. In fact, in some ways the lurve is kind of optional. I just really want to laugh.

Which is why I find supernatural YA romance particularly disturbing. These full grown adult woman are writing ridiculous fantastical romance novels and feeding them to teenage girls (and, let's be honest, their own demographic, cause you know many Twilight fans haven't been under 18 in years..) without even a hint of awareness that what they are selling is laughably false. Now, let's be clear. The fantastically false part is not the vampires, fairy kings, werewolves or other paranormal creatures. It's the teenage boy who sits in a teenage girl's room (or sometimes in her bed! Shame on you, Maggie Stiefvater.) watching the object of his affection sleep, and doesn't touch her, tries valiantly to "behave" and doesn't seem to mind that the idiot girl is torturing him. Do these women know any teenage boys? You invite an 18 year old male into your bed (or your bedroom, in the case of the infamous Edward Cullen) night after night after night, and you're either going to have sex, or he's going to hate you for the provocation. There aren't many other options, and I think perhaps we should be honest about that.

See, I can't laugh at that kind of illusion, as ridiculous as it is. I can laugh at the romantic heroine who ends up with bioluminescent plant life all over her hindquarters after her first romp in the hay (quite literally) with her botanist paramour, or the high school humiliations of Janette Rallison's teen rom-coms, or the inappropriate use of the word fecundity in a historical romance, but I just can't take another paranormal teen romance with a hero who does not exist in real human relationships. Real men are fantastic. I'm just waiting to find anything that resembles one in a contemporary fantasy romance written for teens.

2. Okay, so not all real men are fantastic. Some of them are just weird. That's all.

3. I made a goal last week to pay off all my credit card balances in a year. Any guesses what happened next? Who do you know who needs new tires and a plumber? Oh well. I'm gonna pay for the tires, and fix the sink without a plumber (scary, I know, but I think I can do it) and still pay off the ccs. By the end of 2010. I'm also going to lose about 50 lbs, because I'm pretty sure I can't do it and still buy food on a regular basis. Any advice for how to live for a year without spending money on anything? I'm trying to figure out if this is evidence that God doesn't like me very much, or that He foolishly believes I'm way tougher than I look. Or, you know, there's option number 3--the one where God has nothing to do with it, and I just keep letting things get out of hand, and if I only knew how much worse it would be if He didn't have my back...

4. Speaking of tires, I'm really dumb, and I think my poppy is starting to get a little concerned about it. What tipped me off is when he called me today and said, "Hey, are you dumb?" When it comes to cars, I am terminally stupid. This is just a fact. These are the dumb car situations I have found myself in during the last 12 months:

-Today, my front passenger tire was so bad, the tread was entirely gone and it was split on one side. My steering wheel has been shaking for weeks, and it finally had a major seizure as I was driving home on my lunch break to make bread dough. So, I faced my worst fears and checked the tires. And that's when I realized that my worst fears were not the worst possible fears. Paying for new tires is not as bad as a blowout, especially if the blowout happens at high speed and causes pain and damage. Duh, Clarky.

-Every winter I get stuck in the snow at about 2 or 3 in the morning. This happened on Christmas night last year. I got stuck pulling into my driveway. I live alone. You don't wake people up at 2 am unless they share your DNA or are covenanted to remain with you in the conjugal sense throughout eternity. So I spent an hour and a half last Christmas digging and pushing my car out of the snow alone. Good times.

-I ran out of gas in my dad's big black truck in the parking lot of the Orem Fitness Center. I was in the way, so I tried to push the truck and steer myself into an empty space by myself. (Are you seeing a trend here? Whatever you do, never, never ask for help. That's my mantra.) So, finally this guy comes over and asks if he can help, pushes me into the space, asks if I'd like a ride to the gas station. Marden and Gina and the girls were coming to swim, so I declined. Then he tells me this: "Ya, so my wife and I were pulling in and I saw you and I was like, hey, do you think that guy needs help, and my wife was like, honey, that guy is wearing a dress. Of course she needs help." *crickets* Wow, thanks man. Like pushing a two ton, out-of-gas truck through the parking lot alone wasn't humiliating enough. You are one helluva ray of sunshine, dude. But, I thank him for helping me push the dang truck. May heaven bless you, sir, never to run out of gas, and to learn when it's better to hold your tongue.

-I've needed a jump after leaving my headlights on all day. Twice.

-And finally, my fave dumb car moment was when I locked my keys inside in the parking lot at work. While the car was still running. I called my dad, who kindly went to my house, got the spare key, and saved me. The first thing he said when he pulled up? "Hey, are you dumb?"

4.Um...I have to have this:

It speaks to my soul.

5. Do you remember those wildlife shows like Wild Kingdom, where they would chase big dangerous animals around the savannah in a jeep or a helicopter so they could shoot them with a tranquilizer dart and remove them to a secure location so they won't be a danger to themselves or others? These last few days I've been looking over my shoulder, straining to hear the chop-chop of the helicopter blades, hoping they're coming at me with a nice knock-out dose of sleepy juice. A girl can dream, can't she?

7. Speaking of dreams, I've had some weird ones lately. I dreamed I broke my iPod, and I woke up in tears. It's become a crutch. Every time the world gets to be too much, I plug in so no one will talk to me. This is not a good sign, is it?

6. I also need one of these:

Not necessarily of someone else's dog, but dang-a portrait in legos? I could have had one with what I spent on new tires this week. *sniff* Someday...