Infinite Love

Last night was a hard night. I ran headlong into the dreaded 3 AMs. You know about those? When something-a dream or a subconscious thought-triggers serious anxiety, and doubt tries to consume you. It's been happening to me more often than usual lately. I've felt a little like I was under a spiritual assault for the past 3 or so months, and I'm not a good warrior. I opened the scriptures, prayed, got out of bed to try to calm myself down, and couldn't fall back to sleep until after 6 in the morning.

It left me a bit awash on the stormy sea at church today. I slept for a couple of hours, then got up and got ready for Sacrament meeting. I was still feeling heavy and dark and weak, in desperate need of redemption. But I was also feeling unworthy and unloved. How could one so filled with doubt, so weak to temptation, be worth the sacrifice of God's only begotten son? And He must be tired of this already. He must be tired of me, weak as water, impatient, lazy, so easily distracted, a hopeless case.

I looked at the hymns we were singing. "How Great Thou Art" for the intermediate hymn. Can't we sing something else? I thought. We always sing the same 25 hymns. Can't we sing "O, Savior Thou Who Wearest a Crown?" Ungrateful, little soul of mine. I tried to focus as the sacrament was administered, listened closely to the talks. Then we sang. I really do like "How Great Thou Art", and as we sang the third verse, I was overcome by the lyrics: And when I think, that God his son not sparing, sent him to die, I scarce can take it in. That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, He bled and died to take away my sin.

My burden gladly bearing. He's not tired of me. He doesn't think I'm unworthy of his sacrifice. Good God, He loves me! How is that possible?

He must know something about me that I don't.

Just in case I was tempted to doubt, He planted little reminders through the rest of church--a comment about the power of hymns to teach and inspire us, an opportunity to pray where I could express my gratitude for his blessings.

I am lucky to have friends and family who gladly bear burdens for my sake. A mother who has been a rock at my lowest points, who demanded that I get the help I needed. Sweet, strong brothers whose ears, hearts, and priesthood power are always open to me. Countless prayers from my sisters, supplication to God, on my behalf. Kindness and patience when I'm silly or sad. And I am lucky, blessed, to be touched by my Savior's infinite love, even as I'm trying to grasp what infinite love really means.

I hope for you, believer or not, a friend who gladly bears your burdens--the chance to have your soul filled with the knowledge that someone thinks you are worth bearing that load. I wish for you infinite love.

We're not going to Hell in a handbasket, and we're not going to Heaven on anyone's coattails, either.

President Obama is projected to have won a second term tonight. My Facebook feed is overwhelmed by a collective lament from many of my fellow Saints. I've already unsubscribed from several people because I just can't take the tribalism. Pretty much anyone who used the phrase "hell in a handbasket" was out.

Don't misunderstand me. I don't really celebrate an Obama win tonight, and I wouldn't have lauded a President Romney either. I have faith in God, and I know He loves me and all his children, here and around the world, just as much today as He did yesterday. He expects us to get up tomorrow and do so much better than we have been doing during this campaign. He expects us to be kinder, more compassionate, more careful not to cause harm to anyone, especially the people you value the least, be it the "soulless corporate pigs" or the "lazy,mooching 47%." He expects us to figure out His will and submit to it, stop being so damn sure of our own narrow perspective, and try-at least try!-to see the world from someone else's eyes. Kind of like Christ. When He suffered willingly for my sins. For yours.

I'm intrigued to see where we're going. I hope this will lead to less tribalism--less leaders and followers wielding metaphorical clubs in some clan war with their fellow citizens. I hope we all stop drawing lines in the sand, borders in our minds and our hearts, and instead take positive steps toward real friendship and connection with people who are different from us. In a day or two, when my heart heals a bit, I'll go and re-subscribe to those Facebook friends. It's a little thing, but one worth doing, I think.

I love my country. I'm grateful for it. I love this world; I love it's diversity, the inherent difference in land and life that makes it so lovely and intriguing. I love the One who created it, and I trust Him to see us safely through whatever the future holds. No president can solve our problems or lead us into exaltation. That belongs to One so much greater than Mitt Romney or Barack Obama. And His power will elevate the sun tomorrow morning when we wake.

Helaman 5: 12

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.