Infinite Love

Last night was a hard night. I ran headlong into the dreaded 3 AMs. You know about those? When something-a dream or a subconscious thought-triggers serious anxiety, and doubt tries to consume you. It's been happening to me more often than usual lately. I've felt a little like I was under a spiritual assault for the past 3 or so months, and I'm not a good warrior. I opened the scriptures, prayed, got out of bed to try to calm myself down, and couldn't fall back to sleep until after 6 in the morning.

It left me a bit awash on the stormy sea at church today. I slept for a couple of hours, then got up and got ready for Sacrament meeting. I was still feeling heavy and dark and weak, in desperate need of redemption. But I was also feeling unworthy and unloved. How could one so filled with doubt, so weak to temptation, be worth the sacrifice of God's only begotten son? And He must be tired of this already. He must be tired of me, weak as water, impatient, lazy, so easily distracted, a hopeless case.

I looked at the hymns we were singing. "How Great Thou Art" for the intermediate hymn. Can't we sing something else? I thought. We always sing the same 25 hymns. Can't we sing "O, Savior Thou Who Wearest a Crown?" Ungrateful, little soul of mine. I tried to focus as the sacrament was administered, listened closely to the talks. Then we sang. I really do like "How Great Thou Art", and as we sang the third verse, I was overcome by the lyrics: And when I think, that God his son not sparing, sent him to die, I scarce can take it in. That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, He bled and died to take away my sin.

My burden gladly bearing. He's not tired of me. He doesn't think I'm unworthy of his sacrifice. Good God, He loves me! How is that possible?

He must know something about me that I don't.

Just in case I was tempted to doubt, He planted little reminders through the rest of church--a comment about the power of hymns to teach and inspire us, an opportunity to pray where I could express my gratitude for his blessings.

I am lucky to have friends and family who gladly bear burdens for my sake. A mother who has been a rock at my lowest points, who demanded that I get the help I needed. Sweet, strong brothers whose ears, hearts, and priesthood power are always open to me. Countless prayers from my sisters, supplication to God, on my behalf. Kindness and patience when I'm silly or sad. And I am lucky, blessed, to be touched by my Savior's infinite love, even as I'm trying to grasp what infinite love really means.

I hope for you, believer or not, a friend who gladly bears your burdens--the chance to have your soul filled with the knowledge that someone thinks you are worth bearing that load. I wish for you infinite love.